marthaphobia. ♥

Friday. Thoughts.

Since I’m sick, I’m laying in bed and when that happens, thoughts seem to rush at me. Right now I’m thinking about Friday…I worked early on Friday and once I got out, I got to see you. I picked you up and drove you to work. We stayed in my car for a bit and before we both parted, you hugged me tightly like you used to.

You didn’t just hug me, you whispered to me that you miss me and you asked me if I was okay. When the words “I miss you” slipped out of your mouth, my stomach sunk and I became vulnerable. Everything rushed back at me, and you still held me. I noticed that you wanted to kiss my head, like the old days but you didn’t bring yourself to do so. I wanted to kiss your cheek, but I didn’t bring myself to do so either. You held me and I held you tightly. You didn’t notice my tears and you walked off.

I stayed in my car asking myself what the fuck was happening, and tears rolled down my cheeks. I didn’t know whether to feel happy, sad, or indifferent but I knew that either way all this was guna fuck with my head. Then you called…you said you accidently came into work an hour early and said you were coming back to the car. Quickly I wiped my tears away and pretended like everything was fine.

You noticed our ring and asked for it. After asking a few times for it, I finally handed it to you. I played some music and I saw you turn away, its like you got sad…I know you did and I pretended not to notice. And before you left you came to the drivers side, you opened my door, and hugged me while I was laying on the seat. You walked off casually…

A few hours later I brought you lunch just like you had asked. We talked for a bit and you went back to work. I went home and waited. Once the clock hit 1150, I got ready and headed to pick you up from work. I picked you up and I drove to Imperial Hwy by the planes. I observed the planes depart into the air and quickly disappear into the clouds and I got sad. Then I noticed a plane emerge out of the clouds and landed back home. Those planes reminded me of you, my thoughts, my feelings.

We left and I took you back home. I parked right in the middle of the alley. You got out, came to my side. I got out and I couldn’t even look at you. Once again you held me ever so tightly…I held you even tighter and it went on like that. You whispered to me that if I ever needed to talk to you, to not hesitate to call you or text you because “even though [you] hadn’t been the best boyfriend, [you] wanted to be my best friend”. Those words hit a weak spot. That’s when I began to cry and I let go of you, but you still held me tightly. You were the best boyfriend ever. 

Look at what happened with this other guy I was with for a short time, he hurt me..physically and I didn’t tell you until recently—no one knew…well now they will because of this… That will always be my biggest regret and mistake, not leaving him soon enough so that you and I could either continue where we had left off or so that we could have had a fresh start. I was with someone else, while I was still in love with you. I was with someone else while I loved you and never stopped loving you. 

You let me know that whatever happens, whether it be days, weeks, months, or whatever…that you’re always going to be here for me—you love me and you care for me. You whispered to me that you miss me. You whispered to me that I am the one you love…

I got in my car and took off our ring, sat there and socked the car a few times…I drove off like a wreck. It’s like you get this rush where you just wana crash into something—I got that feeling and I kept driving. 

I stopped, parked, and got out. I looked around and just kinda fell and cried. Then I got a call from you…you asked me to go back and I declined—what would’ve been the point? I wasn’t going to stay there, I wasn’t going to go to a place or the room where you’ve had her like you used to have me. I rather sleep in my car. You asked me to drive home and you wanted to hear my car turn and I said I’d go home. You asked me to pinky promise and I said no, there was no point and you insisted so we pinky promised over the phone. Then you told me to cross my heart and I said I didn’t have a heart, that my heart was gone. You said, ‘then cross the void where your heart used to be’ and I did so and you said, ‘I lied to you, your heart is still there.”

I drove home and we texted for the rest of the night ‘til I fell asleep…and now I’m here…mind boggled. I’m here thinking how much of an idiot I am…

I was there for you yesterday. I was here for you today. And I’ll be there for you tomorrow…

Any thoughts….? 

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